“The grave has no claim on me”
“You have Manic Depressive disorder.”
Were the words out of the mouth of my therapist as I stared at her bright eyes and fiery hair. My all knowing fifteen your old self tried to settle into that statement.
I had been in therapy off and on since I was eight, after grieving the loss of my grandfather. I was fifteen when I walked into this particular office mother by my side when I promptly stated “I dont need a therapist. I have a boyfriend.”
“Alright,” the Councelor answered. “How about a friend?”
Even in the glory of my angst ridden state I couldn’t deny needing a friend…
After that moment we had three years of conversations; I learned a lot of helpful things, yet still managed to tiptoe out of talking about things that made me uncomfortable.
I like to show the world the painted parts of me. Put together, tied with a bow, strategically placed eyeliner and mascara so you wouldn’t know I’ve been falling apart. Inside the idea of this diagnosis weighed on me.
My life has changed drastically since I had that conversation.
I truly placed my trust in the Father, I have a fiance that loves me better than I could have imagined, I have a church home and the support of my family who have always wanted me to blossom.
Still depression has been flirting with me for the past seven years.
I’ve felt like it was my fault, like I wasnt praying hard enough; and I’ve felt selfish “God has people with cancer to cure and marriages to heal. Why should I bother Him with this? Seriously Abigail get some perspective.”
These were lies the enemy was using.
God decides to heal people differently sometimes. How He heals me, could look dramatically different than how He heals someone else.
When I accepted Jesus as my savior, I wasn’t promised a cake walk. Because of the curse of the fall; life is hard. We are going to struggle, we are going to be sad, we are going to feel out of control. Satan is a liar and he whispers our insecurities so beautifully he makes us believe them.
Even still HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL ME THE LIES, the ones that I’ve carried inside my head. None of it has a claim on me. I belong to Christ! My heart does not belong to a diagnosis or medication (tools that can be helpful in somesituations.) I do not belong to the voice in the back of my head telling me I’ll never be good enough, that I will never be happy, and if I’m not happy I’m a failure. The voice that tells me that I’ll fail as a wife, daughter, teacher, and friend. I dont have to carry the weight of this death on my shoulders.
Depression has no claim on a daughter of the King.
Please do not think I’m discouraging others from getting help. I believe The Lord chooses to heal people in different ways sometimes. I still see a councelor and I’m still choosing to fight depression. I just wanted to share this encouragement with you, that the Lord gave me.